Currently Listening Somewhere Down in Texas By George Strait She Let Herself Go see related

I'm so...Argh!!!! I'm down right furious!!! It makes me so upset!!! I should go to bed, it'll be all fine in the morning, they say. It's almost true. ALMOST. Oh joy...here she goes... Its like...He doesn't love me anymore...Like he doesn't care. He paused before replying to my 'I love you'. Then, after being several days away from each other, all he says is something along the lines of "xD...well, sleep well or whatever you do". I don't know why I let him break my heart so easily...My mom says 'don't get a man like your father', as my father isn't someone...most would look up to half the time. I can't tell with Josh, though. I just can't. Sometimes, he'll be caring, but most of the time, he just blows it off. He won't kiss me, nor hold me like he used to. 'Time changes love', my friend said. It obviously did. Way too fast. He doesn't seem to care anymore...Time from time, I'll think: "what am I doing wrong?" but then I realize how hypocritical that is, as I always tell my friends that it wasn't them, it was the guy who left them. Or something along those lines. Maybe I should leave him, just so I'd die off, and wouldn't have to deal with anymore pain. I swear, I may have told him my trip was relaxing, but I was fussing over him the whole time. I guess he doesn't take the time to check his email, or if he does, he just didn't reply. We're supposed to get married on MapleStory, but that doesn't seem to be working out, because he isn't giving me what I need, I guess. I know, I sound like a self-considerate jerk, I always do, but I don't care now. I need to tell him what I'm keeping from him, and maybe he'll see what's happening to me. He doesn't call me beautiful, not does he try to encourage me about things. "Oh, great, I have a test tomorrow, which I bet I'll feel." ">_<" One of my friends bring up how once he said I had a cute voice, but now he doesn't even answer when I say I suck at singing. Am I approching this wrong? I think I gave him his space, but I think that he needs to start seeing how I feel on the subject of him changing. And maybe, if I told him about how I think he cheats on me, or doesn't want to be with  me, he'd see, and maybe, give me the comfert I need, instead of "you shouldn't think that, I don't know what drove you to think that, you best fix how you think about thing" and so on. Geez, its almost to a love hate relationship...I love him so much, but he doesn't see how its starting to kill me...

There was this one time, where I got quite upset that she was with him, and took it out on Sho. I remember that...Then that one time, he dropped her, saying he didn't want to be in a relationship, but he got mad at how I called her my cupcake... He loves her, but I think...he needs some help showing it... We shouldn't interfear, Atemu. And let her go on this way, beating herself up over his actions? ...I see your point...

Theres a song I really like, and I wanted to post the lyrics.

"Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Hey, Girl, you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still, I'll never understand why you hang around
I see whats going down.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself its never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?
Well, I tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the watter makes a ripple effect,
Every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you surely will drown.
I see whats going down.

I see the way you go and say your right again,
Say you're right again
Heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."
    [x2]

One day she will tell you that she has had enough
it's coming round again.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
[x2]

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

^_^;;

Oh, my, I'm so happy! I really had no reason to be so mad at my boyfriend! He got off quickly because (and you can look and see how this would be) he thought that I was forced to be with him, but didn't want to be around him. Oh, goodness, no. I love that man with all my heart.  All I meant was that nothing is perfect, yet I can't seem to stop wanting to be. I'm so glad we got that worked out today. ^^;;

Dammit!! I wanted you!! Shut up, Sho. >_<  Man, I so love the figments of my imagination.

Well, thats all I really have to talk about. Sooooo..See ya!

Currently Listening Straying from the Pack By Koffin Kats see related

I did it again...

Thats right. I can't stop. It's like we're in a love-hate relationship. Go figure. He didn't even reply to the last thing I said. Go freakin' figure.  I even know that question was going to start this. "Why do you love me." "Because of all the reasons one would love another." Didn't want that answer. Oh, no, and I couldn't stick with that answer. Never can.  Here, see for yourselves, and please, excuse my language.

Me: Why do you love me?

Him: Yeah, you're right, there is no reason to ask it. A faulty question. Before I answer, why are you asking anyways?

Me: Not for reassurence, but I just want to know. I don't worry about it, cuz its more of a curiosity thing...

Him: Curiousity? If you know me, surely you'd know why. For all the reasons anyone would love another. Duh. Though, lately, there could be a few things to work on.

Me: I don't know those reasons.

Him: Yes you do, I'm pretty sure everyone does. If you don't, you need to pay more attention.

Me: Then why don't you tell me? Are you afraid to list all those things? Because I would. I so freakin' would. But you don't ask me questions.

Him: Why would you be afraid?

Me: I don't know, but it'd be nice, you'd list them, but whatever.

Him: 'but whatever.' One thing I don't love. Your doubt in me, and how you reply like that.

Me: Well, dear, sorry for doubting you can list that.

Him: Sorry isn't gonna cut it right now. You have too much doubt in me, in most things I do or say.

Me: How do I have doubt in you? Do I doubt how you keep my alive every single fucking day? Do I doubt how you can always make me happier, even though I have one hell of a time showing it? Do I doubt that I get on the internet just to see you? Do I doubt that you the one I want to be with the rest of my life? No, I'm sorry, but I don't doubt those things, and maybe sorry won't cut it, but right now, it's the only fucking thing I can find in my small mind to say.

Him: I didn't say you had doubt in those areas, but you do in others. Like I just said, in things I do or say. I'm not gonna take up time listing examples, I'm simply stating it.

Me: State whatever the hell you want, but if you think I doubt the things you say, then thats not something I can fucking change, cuz if you haven't noticed, I don't. I don't change. I one big bitch, for crying out loud, and I can't change. Dunno if I've ever tried. I don't really give a fuck if you stop talking to me now--no wait, I do, because I always come fucking crawling back, don't I? Another fucking mistake. My bad for being too stupid to know what the hell I'm doing in a fucking relationship, as it sure as hell doesn't seem to be working out, now does it?

Him: And what'll you do of it?

Me: Nothing, theres nothing I can fucking do, because I'm madly in love with you and fall apart everytime we fight. So, I'll just have to get through it, won't I?

You know, after looking over this, I am starting to doubt he loves me. And you know what? I think I'll show him this just so he'll know I'm not hiding anything and so that I won't give a freak if he hates me for doing it.

And he can leave me. It's not my fault he changed. Oh, how he drastically changed. No, he doesn't even attemtp to hold me, kiss me, or talk to me as much. Not the time, I guess. Didn't love with stand the test of time? And I may not be a normal girl, oh heck no, but thats what I need. Someone who'll freaking care. And you know what else? He can leave me, if thats what he sees right for him. But let me tell you, before it kills me on the inside out, I'll find another who loves me, cuz I sure as hell know someone who will.

No, not a replacement. Not at all. A good friend of mine always flirts with me, and I totally ignore it. I'd never cheat, so you know.

I bet he went to sleep, to get away from me. He's probably sleeping to get away, while I'm sitting here crying. Yes, sleep now, but tomorrow may bring a new day, but whats put off will always come back up, cuz I sure as hell know we won't be talking tomorrow. No, we won't. Because, I'm going to last longer than three days. I will. It'll kill me again, and I'll complain to the only other one who'll listen, but I'm won't crawl back now.

Thanks, I always complain on here. It means a lot to me. Thanks, again.

They always talk about soulmates, you know. Yeah, no kidding. I wish she wouldn't have left us for him. We wouldn't have broken her heart. Actually, Sho, we would have, as we're only a figment...of her imagination... I wish we could change her mind about a relationship, though. I know what you mean..

Currently Listening Decemberunderground By AFI Endlessly, She Said see related

My heart, it aches

I find writing things out to tell others helps me stay sane, and so thats what I'm going to do. I do hope you'll read through it all, as it all means so much to me.

This is more of an update on what I feel at the moment, rather than what I've been doing.

A few minutes ago, my boyfriend, whom I love with all my heart, showed me a site about a car crash, in which two of his friends died in. The same thing happened a while back, which two of his friends, again. I, being at a loss for words, couldn't really say something. It hurts when the one you want to comfert wants exactly that, but you can't. He left saying that someone's out to get him, to make his life a living hell. He decided to go for a bit. Weither he'll be back or not, I really don't know.

But him leaving made me feel a lot worse.

Lately, I've been having some issues to where I'm either really happy, or really depressed. I've thought about death two times, but, as you can see, I thought agenst it. He's the reason I slap some common sense into myself at those times.

Its kinda strange. I know I shouldn't hurt like this when he leaves, but I feel theres so much I should tell him. I don't want to keep things from him, but its hard, when I know he's going to say something that may seem comferting to him, but he doesn't know its not comferting to me.

I hate for him to get mad at me. And his comferting makes it seem like he is. Its wrong, I know, to think of it as that. But once something sticks, its there for awhile.

I think he doesn't understand that I try to show sympathy for those he has lost, but rather sees me coming off as I want it to go away, so it could be like it was a year ago. However much I do want it to be how it was before, I know it won't, and I'm willing to give him time for his mourning. I would love it much more if he'd let me share into it, as it breaks my heart more and more each time he leaves me out of it. I can't stop my heart from hurting even though I know this is how he handles stuff.

A lot of times, I find myself crying over stupid little things. I find myself thinking he's cheating on me, or I deny his love, because of how low of confidence I have. I'm not sure I want him to realize that this is the reason, as he will tell me something along the lines of "You shouldn't be thinking like that in the first place". I try to find it as his way of comforting me, but it stings. It shouldn't, but it does. I sometimes wish he'd attempt to make it better, but he is, I just can't see it then.

This is how I came to the conclusion all those damn fairy tales aren't true. It hurts to think they are. But no matter how hard it is you try, you always wish for some sort of fairy tale.

Maybe I'm lossed in a fanasy, and I'm struggling with reality. Maybe I should try and change the way I look at things. But if I did that, would I really be me?

We get in fights, and I end up apologizing for things I shouldn't, as I spoke my mind, which I don't do around him often. I can't help but apologize, but I fear losing the only one who really made a difference in my life. He's the only one who listens, and even though now he responds with either a ">_<" or "-_-;;", I'm glad he listens.

I wish I could tell him how I cry about our love so much. I wish I could tell him I worry about how he changed what seemed to be so quickly. I wish, and I wish, but it never changes.

And so, ends the pouring of my heart, and how I'm so screwed up. Thank you for wasting the time to look through this.

"Hey, Kyia!

My sweet, beautiful angel,
Sent to me from above,
I am so greatful to found you,
And give all my love.

<3 Sincerely, Puppy"

Currently Listening Life on the Murder Scene By My Chemical Romance see related

Welp, I dunno about you, but I've been away for a looooooong time. So much to cover, yet I'm too lazy to do so. I've been....Well....Hrm...I've been better, but I've been worse, too. Mostly just issues with thinking. No, I'm not mental, its that I think too much about things that bring me down, yet I can't let them out. This really makes my boyfriend mad, but I really don't do it on purpose, you know?

Skewl...Skewl...I'm doing...ok in skewl. I'm keeping above a C in all but one class. Science is a bitch, 'specially the teacher. She's so ditzy. : I   Band and choir are rockin', and I'm making it through the rest.

Well, I dunno what else to say. There isn't much, I suppose. I'm glad to see you all again. Peace Out.

*Contact me at MySpace, tew.  www.myspace.com/vampiremistressbubblez/